I was always the loner type growing up. I didn’t have a lot of friends and when I did have friends, they were usually over-maternal, super-helpful and would probably still consider me a little crush.
I thought I had possible insecure insecurities, but it wasn’t until I hit college and started having more friends, and really sticking to my unofficial list of “true friends,” that I finally realized what was going on.
That’s when I realized I had more than a few friends who viewed me very differently, with many viewing me as extremely clingy, sore from years of being hurt, and wanting me to be there for them when they weren’t really trying to be there for me.
I wasn’t sure what to do about all of this until I came across an article by Men’s Fitness about how friends can influence our sexuality.
It made me think of my past relationships in a whole new light, and I realized I had some really bad friends who very much wanted me to have sex for them.
I don’t want to get into details, but I was told this is something a few of the friends did, and one even directed me to the best sex guide on the internet.
The article made me question the quality of my friends and how they see me. I don’t want to be their friend — I don’t know why I would want to be their friend when they have that kind of behavior displayed so prominently.
It’s not normal to initiate or have a significant other at the same time
A lot of our behavior when it comes to finding friends also speaks to our inner voices. If you listen to your insecurities, a lot of us would probably replay the same conversation to ourselves a hundred times before agreeing to listen to anyone else.
We can’t help it. We are typecast as what we know, and our insecurities feed off of that. The insecurities are what activate our inner critic, and the reason why we don’t hear our own thoughts is because we are trying to solve an imaginary problem.
Have you ever thought, “I wish my friends gave me space”? I did, and then I punished myself for it instead of facing my insecurities head-on.
I would coerce my friends into giving me space by over-communicating, and then I would take back my space if they didn’t. This created a lot of bad habits in me where I would spend time away from friends, only to re-communicate the next day and ask for more time.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized the effect this has had on my life.
Asking for what you want in a relationship is normal
No, it isn’t normal to want someone to be your airhead. You shouldn’t need to coerce people into doing what you want them to do. Asking for what you want in a relationship is a normal and expected part of the process.
I am not the only person who got asked to be committed or engaged out of the blue. And, I am not the only person who turned it down.
Most people are willing to commit when they know the other person is willing to do the same. But, is asking for commitments in the first place a sign of an unhealthy relationship? Is it something that a good person does? No. It’s just a part of the larger problem of not knowing what good relationships look like.
I don’t think we are supposed to be committed without being willing to do the same, but I think we should be able to try and negotiate an engagement that we think would be good for us. And, I think we need to be held to that same standard.
You shouldn’t have to use coercion to get what you want in your relationship. I don’t know about you, but I can’t follow the idea that I should have to go to the extent of asking my partner to commit when I already know, with 100% certainty, that I want her to.
I don’t think we should have to use coercion to get what we want in a relationship.
I think the idea that we can always know what the other person wants is dangerous and creates a lot of pressure. I also don’t like the idea of being “ready” for something, and then getting upset if the other person isn’t open to doing something that I think is good for me.
Of course, these are all just personal opinions. I am just giving you my personal feelings, which may or may not be the majority stance.
If you are in a situation where you are needing to ask for what you want, or you feel like you are constantly being coerced, I wish you could hold on to your sense of pragmatism.
The trick to not asking in the first