Everyone wants to be in a relationship, but no one wants to have the difficult and embarrassing questions asked of them. Questions that would be easier to answer if there was a simple, plain, unadulterated answer. Like on a game show, there would be a few easy questions, and the rest of the show being spent answering questions for how long, how many answers, and how many people can answer each one. There would also be a few trophies for getting the “quickest” answers, and the winner would be the person who got the most questions correct within a time limit. And, we would all be comfortable knowing that the person that asked the question, or gave the quickest answer, was the one who won the challenge, and we would be rid of that feeling of being an idiot.
We all want to be understood, and everyone wants to be in a relationship. However, not everyone wants to go through the difficulties that accompany explaining things to someone, or even just someone’s attention. There are trivial questions that are just begging to be asked, and the easier they are to answer, the better. Questions that are not important enough to warrant an answer, or where the answer is no one cares enough to ask, are ignored. These trivial questions are picked up and pushed back outside of the relationship as well as brought up constantly between the two people in the relationship. In almost all cases, once the trivial answers are asked and the eye have left the door open, the question will be asked again, and again, and again.
Sometimes the person has forgotten that they even asked the question, when they were moved by the emotion that you brought to the conversation. The person has forgotten that they were even asked the question, much less offered an answer. Then the only thing holding them back from breaking up or leaving the relationship is their fear of the question being asked again and again unless they give an excuse. Then they know they have no good reason to do so, and they know a bad reason would make things much worse.
Sometimes the question can be asked and answered simply, “Yes”, or “No”. More often than not, though, the person is moved by your story and remembers only the good parts, while you are left with a narrative you did something to deserve, or that your life was somehow wrong for having ended. The question is then asked again, and again, and the answer is either “I don’t know” or “I don’t know”. Do you want to break up or do you want to hear how your time together was “fine” or “good”? Do you want an explanation of why your time together was tarnished by something your partner did or said to you or about you? Then the questions will never end.
The hard truth of the matter is someone will always remember the good times and remember only how you look. After that, they are just as likely to remember how you made them feel or how happy they made you feel by looking at you. It doesn’t matter how you feel or how well you do, they remember. This is not the kind of relationship where you can take a shot at expressing how you feel after a breakup and be done with it. It is either going to be in the negative or in the positive. Either way, it is not going to last.
It is easy to have an emotional reaction to someone we just broke up with. That does not mean our emotions are true or valid. It just means that our instincts are correct. We were right about the fact that this person was not right for us. After all, our breakup did not mean that they were not right for us.
We cannot go back and change what we felt, or how we felt about someone. However, we can change the thoughts, feelings and indications that we had at the time we thought our relationship was right for us. Now that you are aware of this, you can decide if it is right for you to take a shot at re-starting your relationship.