couple, prom, mistake

Dating while fat

Most of my dating history goes back to high school. I’ve been dating guys for like sixth grade, and I’ve finally gotten into a relationship without gaining 50 pounds. It wasn’t easy, but I’ve gotten great results at times, and I’ve learned a lot.
But there are times when I feel like I’m going to burst into tears, or I’m going to have an emotional meltdown.
I’ve dated guys that are already much bigger than me, and I still feel like I can’t believe I got him into bed. I thought I was going to die, and now I’m even smaller than I was before.

It’s like the universe is saying, “Please, stop making me feel so small.”
I’ve also been jealous of guys that I look like, and I don’t want my boyfriend dating anyone that I can’t handle, so I’ve been dating guys that are even bigger than I am. I’ve got guys for the mens’ rooms, and I’ve got guys for the babygirl, and I still feel like I can’t believe I got them into your bed.

It’s like the universe is saying, “Please, stop making me feel so small.”
I’ve been questioning my self-worth for a long time, and I’ve been struggling with that since I was a teenager. I’ve always been fat, and I’ve always been insecure about my body. I’ve long, curly hair, and I’ve a body that women have referred to as “butterflies.”
I’ve also just always been different than the other girls. I’m a small person, and I don’t fit in the traditional notions of what a woman should look like. I’ve always felt like I was on a pedestal, and I noticed that even when I wasn’t dating, I was the only one of the other women in the bar to be gravitating toward other women.

I’m not sure what’s happening, but I just feel so small.
I was in a relationship with the love of my life, and I could feel his presence inside me. I could feel how he made me feel, and I could feel how close to him I was.
I was noticeble, but I was also distant. My reaction reminded me that I wasn’t as special as these other women.
When I reflect on some of the other women in my life, I can see that they, too, were small, and they felt small too. They felt like stops on a checklist that I didn’t even know I had. I’ll never forget how I felt when I looked in the mirror and imagined being with the love of my life.
It was something out of a love letter, and I always reminded myself that there was someone who I had been missing for so long.
When I had relationships before, I always felt like I was missing the bottom of the barrel. I didn’t feel large enough to qualify for much of anything. I felt like my worth was just tied to my relationships.

Was that the reason why I struggled to love in those relationships? Were we just two sides of the same coin?
I believe so.
When I got into my relationship with the love of my life, I felt like everything was smaller, everything was smaller, and it was just me, and then I would fly.
And fly I did. I learned how to love in a way that wasn’t draining, not defensive, and not defensive because I already loved him so much.
It wasn’t that I loved him more than anyone else, but that I trusted him with my heart and that I remembered how much I had used to him. I stopped seeing myself as the token minority and started seeing myself as just a small token of love.
There were no possessions, only good love and a desire for experience.

Is it any wonder that in just five years, he had me believing that I had found my soulmate?
It’s funny that people don’t expect their relationships to last forever. I know for a fact that some people’s relationships have ended before, but they don’t let it faze them and they don’t try to control it. They simply tell themselves that it isn’t their job to “fix” or plan for the end of the relationship, that they are just “doing their best” and that, if the best relationship of their life came to an end, it would be a natural process that they would completely understand and get.

But, what if my boyfriend told me that his relationship didn’t have to end, but rather how it could end?
What if I told him that he could make it work, but it couldn’t be their fault?
I’m sure he could come up with stories of when other couples had ended instead of him doing all the work. But that would never happen with me. Because I already do my part.

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