I knew our affair was over.
It had only been a few months, but I already felt the effects of the infidelity on my relationships.
By then, I was already in a relationship with a man who I thought was my soulmate. We were very similar in many ways, and our relationship had all the hallmarks of a romance.
Until I went on a few late-night social media posts with my new boyfriend, posting pictures that I probably shouldn’t have been posting on a dating app in the first place.
After that, we weren’t seeing each other very much anymore. Phone calls were rare. I thought that our problems were over, but just a few short weeks later, we were still getting together.
Our love was stronger than I thought.
At first, it was great. We talked all the time. Everything about him was just amazing. He was funny, sweet, and sensitive. I enjoyed being with him so much, that I couldn’t imagine living without him.
But all good things must come to an end.
I had other boyfriends before him, but they were all good guys. Men who treated me with respect. That was the first hurdle. I had to be sure that he too, would treat me with respect.
After that, it was an even worse experience. After having sex with him, I didn’t feel any connection at all. Like I was holding my breath for someone to bust out of the blue sky and make me feel something.
I could not fall in love.
I knew that having an affair was a mistake, but I also didn’t want to end up in a relationship where I had to compromise my morals to stay together with someone. I knew that my morals were important to me, and I couldn’t have a relationship where I wasn’t treated with respect.
I knew that I had to be careful not to keep finding myself in relationships like this, but I also knew that I had to make the most of every moment and try to avoid getting too attached.
I knew that being in a monogamous relationship was not good enough for me, and that I needed to create as many options as possible.
I needed to be able to have connections with both of my partners, and I needed to be able to say no when I was no longer interested in expanding that connection.
I knew that I would end up in more than one relationship at a time, and that I would end up dealing with the fallout of the poor choices that I had made.
I knew that I would end up hurting others because of my own mistakes, and that I would end up apologizing too late.
I knew that I had to be intentional about it, and that I had to go through with it to the best of my ability.
I Knew It Was Over, But Still Wanted More
At that point, I didn’t know that it was over.
There were a million little things that happened during that time that I will never forget, but the biggest thing that hurt the most was the way that my friends and family treated me.
I was treated like garbage. I was made to feel like a embarrassing mistake that I couldn’t bear to think about. I was made to feel like my life was a mistake, and that I had made a mistake in getting in that dark place in the first place.
I was made to feel like a disappointment, and that my life had only just begun.
I was told over and over again that I had to let my partner go, and that I had to make sure that I moved on quickly and that I didn’t give myself enough time to reflect on my mistakes.
I was made to feel like a waste of a life, and that I had only just begun.
I couldn’t let those people down, I had to be perfect, and I had to do everything right.
That’s the thing with these types of relationships, you don’t know what’s going to happen. They can literally fall out of the sky, and in that you can’t predict the outcome at all.
All you knows is that you’ve been traded at the worst possible time, and you’ll be put to some of the most difficult decisions that you’ll ever have to make.
It’s hard to accept that a relationship is over, especially if you haven’t had any real idea of how it began.
But if you take a step back, you’ll see that it’s really no different from a long period of time that you would see in a crystal ball.
You could be wrong, in which case you’d have to start from the beginning and figure out exactly what was happening here. But, even if you are right, it’s still no different than the life that you have now.