One of the most beautiful parts of any online dating relationship is being able to look back over the past few months and see all the growth you’ve all been a part of. It’s an amazing feeling to look back over the stories you’ve shared with other people and see all the little moments that blossomed into big things, or huge betrayals, or everything in between. It’s even more beautiful to look back over the moments while being with your partner and looking forward to all the things you’re all looking forward to.
Because of the growth that’s already been seen in this relationship, the past few months have been pretty exciting. We’ve both changed in some big ways, and while I’m still Kiki and Kaleb, I’m more outgoing and more vulnerable, and Kaleb is more quiet and private. There’s been so much growth in these few months of being with one another that it’s grown into a full-fledged relationship. It’s been almost a full year since we started dating, and to see how much more I’ve come to want than he does, it’s pretty amazing.
But because of all of that, there’s one change that I’ve been consistently wanting to make on my own, and that’s to focus more on my own security. Especially after what happened, I’ve realized how vulnerable I am, and I’ve learned that having a partner who’s there for you is such a valuable asset. I want to be more secure now, and I’m working on figuring out how I can start that process.
I’ve been a bit of an amateur parent for the most part, mostly because I’ve been so caught up in my own life. I’ve been so caught up in learning about myself that I forgot to take care of myself. I don’t have a bed, and I haven’t gotten one for almost two years, so I’ve had to stay in the guest room. I’ve also been so caught up in my own studies that I neglected to get a job because I had other commitments. I started working for someone at the beginning of this year, but that just meant I’d be leaving the house and getting into cars more often.
But now that I’ve started freelancing full time, I’ve realized that I don’t have to be there for everyone. And besides, you don’t have to be there for me either, as long as I’m okay with it.
I’ve also learned that I’m not only responsible for myself, but also for my partner. It’s not that I don’t trust him, but I do think it would be better for us if we were the only ones working. I think it would give us a stronger sense of security, and it would also help me get to know him better and really see him in a new way.
I’ve also been working on being more aware of my emotions, especially when I’m frustrated with someone. I don’t want to be so angry with someone that I start to lose control, and I don’t want to make decisions based on how I’m feeling. I know that my emotions are important, and I should be able to take them seriously, but I’m learning that it’s not that important to me whether someone is okay with my emotions. What’s important is that I feel better for myself.
I’m learning how to be vulnerable with other people, and I’m learning how to express my thoughts, feelings, and experiences to other people. I’m learning how to be a better listener and learn how to be more creative in that area. I’m also learning how to be more mindful of when I’m being too emotional, and when I’m just being myself. That doesn’t mean that I’m avoiding conflict or that I’m trying to cause trouble, but I’m trying to understand why I feel a certain way and how I might be making things worse for myself rather than better.
I’m learning how to be more assertive and not wait for someone to make me feel heard. I’m trying to learn how to say no and how to say yes, and I’m learning how to be choosy about who I give my attention to. I’m trying to do better in school and work and play hard. I’m trying to get better at showing how I care. And I’m learning how to prioritize myself.
But maybe none of that is all that necessary. Maybe it’s better, and more wise, to just focus on myself and try to figure out what I want. Maybe I need someone else to figure out what I want, because I’m not that good at it, and I don’t think I’m being clear enough in the first place. Maybe I’m just trying to save myself the trouble of figuring out what I want myself.
But I’m also trying to figure out if I even want myself to figure it out for me.