I got a text from a friend the other day. He’d gone through a lot of information and recovered some old information that he and his wife had forgotten.
After going through every detail, I discovered that we were in fact in a mutual relationship but it was going unsatisfiable.
While we didn’t hate each other, we simply didn’t have enough love to keep it going.
It got me thinking about all the different ways that relationships can be unsatisfiable. And how some of them are easily avoidable.
Make sure you’re putting effort into your relationship
If you’re concerned that your relationship might be coming to an end, there’s nothing wrong with you. And you shouldn’t have to feel guilty about that.
But you should also know what you want and what you need to make sure that your relationship will last.
There are several areas in your relationship that need to be checked and adjusted for it to work. These include your finances, communication, affection, sex, and affection.
Don’t wait until you’re stressed or unhappy to do it. You can’t recover from tension in a relationship. Make sure that you’re involved in your relationship when you’re at your best.
Take care of your relationship — and teach your children to do the same.
If children ask why one of you isn’t paying attention, the answer isn’t going to make sense to them. You can make it work by being present and paying attention, but there’s no reason why a five-year-old can’t understand.
Play together, educate together, laugh together.
Live together, share conversation, talk a lot, and have fun together.
If there is family member you want to be more intimate with, make plans to do that. Or plan a date where you go out and date each other.
Figure out what is important to you as a couple
When I was in relationships, I thought a lot about my relationship. I thought about how my relationship would go if only my partner was as he wanted me to be. I would be happy just being with him.
But as a lover, I know that I would be lost without him in my life. I doubted myself in a lot of things. I had to work really hard to remind myself that I deserved better. I had to learn to say no and hold space for myself.
I also had to work on being assertive and not take anything personally. And I had to recognize that no relationship is perfect.
I was trying to be the perfect partner and never realized that I was working to make myself less than he is.
Recognize your rage and bear it
When I was feeling particularly frustrated with my partner, I often had these bizarre responses. I’d call him names, scream, swear, throw things, and do a variety of crazy things.
And while I knew that my reactions were outside of my control, I still felt incredibly frustrated.
I had gotten to a point where I was feeling quite angry and depressed. And instead of expressing that anger and sadness with my partner, I felt like I needed to be angry and sad.
This led to a series of events that led to the most dramatic meltdown I’ve ever seen him go through.
He got to his feet and told me that he was done. He didn’t want to work with me anymore. He didn’t want me to listen to what I had to say.
It was hard to hear and extremely hard to accept. The adrenaline that was pumping through my system was completely shut off. I lost all my energy. I couldn’t even form words together to tell him that I was disappointed, embarrassed, and angry.
The only thing I felt like I was able to do was lay there while he got up and left.
Don’t give away all your power to the one who has the power to control it
Think about when you were in a relationship. Was it someone who was emotionally unavailable? Or did they manage to exercise enough power over you to control how you felt about them?
They could punish you. They could punish you severely. They could take away your autonomy entirely.
What you think you know about them might be different than what you really know. And that’s why it’s important that you get to know yourself.
You’ll make some great mistakes because you’ll be trying to controlling people and things that don’t want to be controlled. But you’ll also find out that there are many things that you can do that aren’t controlled.
A good person will have some red flags about you. But you will be able to recognize those flags. You will be able to stand up for yourself when the one you love does the controlling.
Don’t give up all your power
If you spend a lot of time being controlled by others, you will eventually find yourself giving up your power too.