A recent study by YouGov found that when asked what factors are important in a successful marriage, primary among them is how both partners treat each other.
The study asked this question to more than 400 married couples and found that the amount of time being stressed out was the number one reason why the marriages ended. You would think that after such a long time together, they would get used to each other.
The conflict was the second most important factor after time apart from each other. The researchers said it was because during separation both partners needed time just to adjust to the life-changing changes that separation brings.
But how could tension and time together fail to improve a marriage? Because at some point the couple realized that they had not had much time together and became resentful of each other. Their resentment grew to a point where they could not get along.
Divorce is Not a Spoiler
Instead of blaming the relationship partner for bringing the tension, the YouGov study wanted to know if the relationship was working or not. The answer was clear, it was not.
Many couples said they did not feel happy in their relationship and many said the same about the relationship. The study also asked the participants if they had feelings for their relationship and found that number one was not something to be proud of.
One of the reasons why couples don’t feel happy is because of the time they spend fighting and deciphering the feelings of the other. Once the emotions are mixed up they are hard to handle and it causes more drama.
Although it is not meant to be a romantic situation, conflicts still happen and when it does, things can get unhealthy.
Even if a couple decides to stay together after this, there are no guarantee things will get healthier. If the relationship had been healthy, if both of you had wished for a day when this didn’t happen, then maybe you would have made it.
However, it is easy to see why this happens, even if you don’t enable or participate in it. So how can you prevent this from happening? How can you stop this from happening? How can become a barrier to better love and relationship? One way would be to acknowledge the things you do, even if they are small, to make your relationship healthy.
Start with yourself. Forget about your spouse and look at yourself. You can’t do this every day but make an effort. Starting now. What things do you do to make your relationship healthy? What do you do to make your spouse happy? Action items.
Listen to the stories of people who live happily with their partners. Take what they have to say and develop a plan of action for your own self-improvement. Your partner is not going to like your plan of action, but if you are doing something to improve your relationship, then you will get results. Not everyone will, but if you do things like this, then your partner will too.
Another way of preventing heartbreak is by making sure that someone is not bringing up old relationships or fights they had with their partner. People can forget about their past because it is not a part of their life now. If you keep talking about your past, it is not going to go away, and it will get in the way of you being able to move on. Do not allow your past to be the way it is, and do not let it get in the way of you from being able to move on.
Some things keep people attached in relationships for a long time. Some of these things are experiences, things the person did to hurt you. The rest is just things you both do together, and it keeps a relationship strong or frays. If you take some time to think about what you do, you will see what sticks out to you in your self. Then take the rest with you.
Marriage is an important institution in most mature societies. Its continuation as a priority for future happiness is assumed by society as a whole. Children learn about the relation of family life to adulthood from parents and grandparents. The role of a spouse in family life is assumed by the family.
Marriage: A Guaranteed Fairweather Friend
This is a very popular hypothesis that I read about in sociology books. The principal researcher and social anthropologist at the University of New Hampshire. He has examined the factor of reciprocity, which is how much one person can be involved in a relationship before it becomes competitive, between single and married couples. He has found that there is a relationship between the amount of involvement of spouses in each other’s lives and the rate of divorce.
Single people who do not have a spouse or major partner are more likely to be interdependent, while married people are more involved in their partners’ lives? They give more, work more, and enjoy more emotional involvement. But when spouses participate in each other’s lives too much, either too much in love with each other or too much in work or play, the relationship becomes competitive, off-putting, and boring.
Relationships that are too much — too much attention, too much care, too much support, too much generosity — become toxic and painful, even horrific, to be in.
Marriage Is a Guaranteed Fairweather Friend
Shalikre studied couples in his “D” operas who were not best friends. He found that the number one problem in a relationship becoming competitive was that the activities of the relationship had changed. The couples were not playing the game, but they were competing in it. Both parties wanted the other one to do things that were crucially important to them. However, the problems that ended their relationships on a technicality were not the problems that began in the relationship. It was how the problems began that mattered.
Marriage is a guaranteed fair-weather friend. Let us go back to the couple who never speaks of the heart to each other, even though they have interests in common. These might be things like sharing a hobby, staying active in each other’s lives, or being true to each other’s loves.
Now and then you meet someone you have feelings for. They might be a stranger or a friend. You spend time with them. You are close to them. Yet day after day, they blow it. They disappear and give you the cold shoulder. They do not talk about the past or promise you the future. Do you stay, or do you walk away?
Many people think they will be happy when they win the love of the woman. They believe that when they are in a relationship with the right person, the years of building up resentment will finally be over, and love will enter their relationship. The years of building trust, and getting each other to have compassion and love, and respect will be won. However, in ordinariness, months to years can pass by in a blink of an eye. Often people have given up because the time they spent in the relationship was waste.
They were in a relationship of melodrama, with no expectations, without love, and throughout which vicious gossip was spewed. This was real, live, and uncomfortable.
Let us seek happiness in the real and imperfect places.