Most of us have heard of our divorce story. Most of us have also heard about other people’s stories. The stories are varied but often they are the same.
Divorce is an incredibly difficult experience and many people have a lot of trauma and pain associated with the decision. Many people then spend many years trying to move forward, only to discover again what that pain was all about.
Maybe you lost your husband or boyfriend. Maybe you felt like you were losing your sense of self. Maybe you felt deprived and not valued by your family. Maybe you were constantly attacked by your in-laws who constantly took issue with anything you did. Maybe you were emotionally, physically or sexually abused.
These things may have contributed to your divorce. Maybe you never thought it was a good idea in the first place.
However, there is a good chance that you thought it had something to do with you. Perhaps, as a victim, you believed that you must have done something wrong. Perhaps, as a victim, you believed that your life was a waste because, apparently, your partner must have cheated on you or didn’t want you in the family.
Whatever the reason, you have a story. And a lot of these stories are important.
According to research, one of the most common reasons behind divorces is a history of domestic abuse. Because many abused women said they were the instigator in their previous relationships, when they got involved with their new partner they often became the abuser.
Domestic abuse is a chronic, tragic and painful illness. It can cause incredible pain and damage over time. Because domestic abuse is so common, people who are the victims often don’t see that their marriage or relationship is a problem. They believe it’s their fault because they didn’t do anything to cause the abuse.
The problem with this thinking is that it puts the victim at fault for the actions of an abuser. They become the guilty party in their own deaths, their partner’s deaths, and their family’s deaths.
This is why it is so important for people to understand that the reasons behind domestic abuse are NOT about color, gender, sexual orientation, age, nationality, financial status, or religion.
It is about a system. It is about a mentality. It is about a lack of respect. It is about a lack of love.
And the stories that come after the words ‘Because I love you’.
‘Because I love you’ means different things to different people.
It means, “I love you in the way I want.” It means, “I love you in the vacuum of my desires.” It means, “I love you because I don’t need anything from you.”
‘Because I love you’ doesn’t have to come with strings and flowers and chocolates.
It doesn’t have to involve a reconciliation or an apology or a gift or a big ceremony — because the gift is already too small.
It just has to be a letter. Simple. Simple and direct.