It’s an interesting thing when the sensations of sexual pleasure and desire hit you like a ton of bricks. Then, just as quickly, you’re left with a dull ache in your heart, your back is a knots up, and you wonder how you slept.
Perhaps you were the one, and your partner was not. perhaps they were there, and you weren’t. but one thing is for sure. Even if you were, what happened next will make your stomach flip in ways you never thought possible.
The laughter. The charm. The story. All of a sudden, you’re in love with them again, and the problems they’ve been trying to shove under the rug have finally come out in the light.
There’s only one problem. You weren’t in love with them in the first place.
At first, it made me laugh, too. The way they could fool others for a few good moments, only to drop it like a hot potato once they got a little more serious, made me grin.
But then I noticed the way they didn’t even try to hide it when they weren’t being funny. They would turn around, flash a smile, and disappear into the buzz of the moment — while still trying to be funny with each other.
I had saved all of their funny stories for my own pleasure, but now they were all I could think about. Every other thought was consumed by the issue of how to deal with this unexpected turn of events.
It made me wonder, if they weren’t in love with me, would I have thought they were?
All I wanted to do was find a way to make them happy — and, as it turned out, I was right. A silver lining to the situation was that I ended up having the kind of relationship that I never wanted.
I always wanted to be in a relationship with someone to make me happy. The problem was that I also wanted them to make me happy to the point of self-sabotage. The result was a relationship that was filled with highs and lows — and a whole lot of pressure to make everything perfect right away.
As it turns out, that’s not a good combination to have.
Due to my tendency to be high-maintenance, I found myself canceling plans at the last minute more than I’d like to admit. While I would normally be OK with small cancellations, I’ve consistently received more in cancellations than I’ve can count.
This was especially true in my last relationship, where I was always planning to leave after just a few weeks. I didn’t have faith that I could juggle a life with my current responsibilities and still find the time to stay in the relationship.
When I finally accepted that I was going to leave my partner, I worked hard to cancel all my plans. I cancelled all my trips, all my work events, and all my social events. I had to carry the weight of all my excuses into the relationship. I didn’t want to compromise and miss out on the important time together.
I finally said my goodbyes and I didn’t like what I saw. I saw all the signs that I needed to make a change, but I didn’t know where to start. So, I went to work.
I made a list of all the things I wanted to do that he wasn’t able to do. I brought them to him and said, “Please sign this here so we can leave them on your phone so when you are ready to pick up your things, you can take them to your partner so they know to start setting dates.”
I made sure to sign off by saying, “Dani, you are always welcome at our wedding — with or without your wheelchair.”
We left our wedding weekend as soon as possible so we could get the wedding package from the store and start the process of fixing our marriage.
Things started off well enough, but then things took a turn for the worst. We started to get into an argument that felt like we were in round about fashion. It started with him saying he didn’t want to get into an argument again that same night and that he wanted to get back to his normal self.
I felt like I was on one of my hardest conversations, but he wanted to keep talking. At one point he even left the room and returned with a tissue and started to fight off some tears.
Things got worse when he finally returned, and we both decided that it was time for a change.
I walked down the hallway to my friend’s bedroom and collapsed on the bed. I was so tired and sorry for the impact my actions had on my marriage. I said, “I need to be alone for a little bit.”
I followed all the signs to not be intrusive and to make sure my voice was quiet. I slipped out of my clothes…